Category Archives: miscarriage

THAT DAY

There are some days we commemorate, but they are not holidays.

They are memories.

Painful memories.

The kind of memories that sear the heart and soul.  You may find relief, encouragement, help and strength, but you will never, ever, forget. THAT. DAY.

Eight years ago today, my husband and I lost a child to miscarriage. I had this weird notion that someday I would "get over it." I thought maybe I wouldn’t have those bouts of weeping, the longing for the child who is only a spirit in my mind.

I see her little blonde head running after her big sister, even though her legs never ran.  I see her at the dining room table scribbling with crayons, even she never held one in her chubby little hand. I hear her little voice singing and jabbering, although those words only appear before the Throne.

She become the Lord’s before she ever became mine.

Our youngest child at the time, Rebekah, was a toddler when she lost her baby sibling and was confused by what was happening.  For weeks we were planning for a baby, then mommy went to the hospital, then there was no baby, and then mommy cried for weeks. We tried to explain, but it didn’t make sense to a little girl who wanted her very own baby.

Once she cried out, “What did Jesus need our baby for?”

I don’t know.  I didn’t really have an answer then, and I don’t really have an answer now.  But, I choose to trust Him.  I choose to love Him. 

We hadn’t publically announced our pregnancy yet, because I had just finished radioactive iodine treatment for thyroid cancer and was in the hyper hell stage of treatment, where you take enough thyroid hormone to suppress the cancer, but not enough to kill someone in a hormonal rage. It’s a fine balance between fighting cancer and staying sane. I found out later you have less than a 50% chance of ever having a normal pregnancy again after this cancer treatment. Not many knew of our pregnancy, not many knew of our loss.  I wasn’t trying to hide it, it was a pain too deep sometimes to bring up in casual conversation.

The Lord all too well understands the loss of a child. In Proverbs 30:15-16, He tells us that are four things that NEVER stop their devastation.

"There are three things that are never satisfied,
Four never say, “Enough!”
The grave,
The barren womb,
The earth that is not satisfied with water—
And the fire never says, “Enough!”

When the grave holds  what belonged in your womb the devastation is double.

And isn’t it amazing that all four are all treated with water? Drought and fire are saturated with water from the Heavens. The empty heart and the empty womb are saturated with Living water from the Heavens, which is the written Word of God, the Bible.

After eight years, I’ve realized I will never “get over” the loss of a child.

Today I was grieved, but alone. Others don’t remember the date, rightly so, it isn’t their heartache. I keep from being overcome in my grief by knowing that many, too many, of my close friends have the same days of remembrance in their lives.

They have the same missing person feeling when they sit down at their dining room tables.

I grieve and commemorate.  When the Lord Jesus was on earth, He gathered the little children in His arms. Rather than dwell on my empty arms, I comfort my heart by picturing  my little darling in the arms of Jesus. I lost a child, but created an eternal worshipper, one that is with the Lord Jesus.

clip_image001[1]

(This is a book Rebekah and I wept through several times.)

 

***********

No sooner came, but gone, and fall’n asleep,
Acquaintance short, yet parting caused us wee;
Three flowers, two scarcely blown, the last i’ the’ bud,
Cropt by th’ Almighty hand; yet is He good.

With dreadful awe before Him let’s be mute,
Such was His will, but why, let’ not dispute,
With humble hearts and mouths put in the dust,
Let’s say He’s merciful as well as just.

He will return and make up all our losses,
And smile again after our bitter crosses
Go pretty babe, go rest with sisters twain;
Among the blest in endless joys remain.

Anne Bradstreet

The Real Grinch Who Steals CHRISTmas

(Originally blogged December 6, 2010)

I woke up to a new week.

A busy, busy week.

A week filled with wonderful holiday activities we love and never-ending chores we don’t really love. The never ending doctor visits adds its normal light frustration and concern.
This morning, to borrow a phrase from blogger friend Nan, "Christmas threw up in my living room." It’s looked that way for days. I haven’t had a time slot long enough to finish decorating.

My laundry room grew a mountain over the weekend. If it continues at this rate, I may need a professional guide or crampons to conquer it.

My single sox must have eaten all the food in my cupboard before they ran away.

Monday looms like an unfriendly foe in my heart and mind.

But, really, it isn’t just the house and the demands on my life that made me not want to face the day or the week.

Four years ago today, my husband and I lost a child to miscarriage. I had this weird notion that someday I would "get over it." I thought maybe I wouldn’t have the bouts of weeping nobody can enter in. You never "get over it."

The loved ones’ absence, instead of presence, graces every moment, every day and ever celebration, an uninvited guest that refuses to give up their seat around the family table. Sorrow and loss is the real Grinch that wants to steal CHRISTmas and every other moment of joy. The real Grinch can steal something as small as a normal grocery shopping trip, when it ends in tears and a retreat out of the store.

The Lord understands the loss of a child. In Proverbs 30:15-16, He tells us that are four things that NEVER stop their devastation.

"There are three things that are never satisfied,

Four never say, “Enough!”:

The grave,

The barren womb,

The earth that is not satisfied with water—

And the fire never says, “Enough!”

Drive to Shiloh 078

He compares the loss of a loved one and the emptiness of a womb to the horrific natural disasters of drought and fire. He knows the agony of loss and of suffering.

The treatment for all four is virtually the same. Drought and fire need to be saturated with water from the Heavens. The empty heart and empty womb need to be saturated with Living water from the Heavens.

It’s easy to see the morning as an impossibility to face. I choose to let these many things be the reason I face today and this week with faith and grace, not the excuse to ignore my world.

A quick Word study on "morning" gave me the Living water I need for the drought of my aching heart.

Psalm 5:3
My voice You shall hear in the morning, O LORD;
In the morning I will direct it to You,
And I will look up.

Psalm 59:16
But I will sing of Your power;
Y
es, I will sing aloud of Your mercy in the morning;
For You have been my defense
And refuge in the day of my trouble.

Psalm 119:147
I rise before the dawning of the morning,
And cry for help;
I hope in Your word.




This morning, I’m not letting the Grinch of sorrow and loss steal the joy of CHRIST from my life.

I’m seeking His Living Waters to quench the natural disasters of my heart.

 

The Real Grinch

I woke up to a new week.

A busy, busy week.

A week filled with those wonderful holiday activities we love and those never-ending chores that we don’t really love. The never ending doctor visits adds its normal light frustration and concern.
This morning, to borrow a phrase from Nan, “Christmas threw up in my living room.” It has looked that way for days. I have never had a time slot long enough to finish decorating.

My laundry room grew a mountain over the weekend. If it continues at this rate, I may need a professional guide or crampons to conquer it.

My single sox must have eaten all the food in my cupboard before they ran away.

Monday looms like an unfriendly foe in my heart and mind.

But, really, it isn’t just the house and the demands on my life that made me not want to face the day or the week.

Four years ago today, my husband and I lost a child to miscarriage. I had this weird notion that someday I would “get over it.” I thought maybe I wouldn’t have the bouts of weeping  nobody can enter in. You never “get over it.”

The loved ones’ absence, instead of presence, graces every moment, every day and ever celebration, an uninvited guest that refuses to give up their seat around the family table.  Sorrow and loss is the real  Grinch that wants to steal CHRISTmas and every other holiday. The real Grinch can steal something as small as a normal grocery shopping trip, when it ends in tears and a retreat out of the store.

The Lord all too well understands the loss of a child. In Proverbs 30:15-16, He tells us that are four things that NEVER stop their devastation.

 “There are three things that are never satisfied, 
Four never say, “Enough!”:
The grave,
The barren womb,
The earth that is not satisfied with water—
And the fire never says, “Enough!”

He compares the loss of a loved one and the emptiness of a womb to the horrific natural disasters of drought and fire. He knows the agony of loss and of suffering.

The treatment for all four is virtually the same.  Drought and fire need to be saturated with water from the Heavens and the empty heart and empty womb need to be saturated with Living water from the Heavens.

It’s easy to see the morning as an impossibility to face, and to be negative. I choose to let these many things be the reason I face today and this week with faith and grace, not the excuse to ignore my world.

A quick Word study on “morning” gave me the Living water I need for the drought of my aching heart.

Psalm 5:3
My voice You shall hear in the morning, O LORD;
In the morning I will direct it to You,
And I will look up.
Psalm 59:16
But I will sing of Your power;
Yes, I will sing aloud of Your mercy in the morning;
For You have been my defense
And refuge in the day of my trouble.
Psalm 92:1-2
It is good to give thanks to the LORD,
And to sing praises to Your name, O Most High;
To declare Your lovingkindness in the morning,
And Your faithfulness every night,

Psalm 119:147
I rise before the dawning of the morning,
And cry for help;
I hope in Your word.



So, this morning, I’m not letting the Grinch of sorrow and loss steal the joy of CHRIST from my life.

I’m seeking His Living Waters to quench the natural disasters of my heart.

*****

MomsTheWord